Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Anon.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
We fight to great disadvantage when we fight with those who have nothing to lose.
Francesco Guicciardini
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
Nancy Astor
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Nietzsche
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
Salvador Dali
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein it rejects it.
P. Medawar
Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas Edison
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Carl Zwanzig
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
Ashleigh Brilliant
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett, Diggers
Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.
Henry Ford
No good deed goes unpunished.
Clare Boothe Luce
Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.
Sophia Loren
It's easier to apologize than to get permission.
Grace Hopper
If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Industrialist Henry Frazier
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
I have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
Rebecca West, 1913
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's fifth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do but I don't know if I can make it interesting.
(then) Senator Albert Gore Jr. (later U.S. Vice-President), the 24th speaker at a political dinner
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
M. C. Escher
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
Joe Walsh
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and those great big furry spiders.
Lev L. Spiro
Education is an admirable thing. But it is will to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Oscar Wilde
Too many of us who want eternal life do not seem to know what to do with one single rainy afternoon.
Rev. Robert Harris
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Groucho Marx
An overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
E. Grebenik
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
Thomas Edison
Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.
Plato
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Jeff Valdez
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Robert C. Gallagher
Remember -- that which does not kill us can only make us stronger.
"
And that which does kill us leaves us dead!
"
Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
When it's time to stop living, I will certainly make Death my number one choice!
Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent
Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small-minded little jerk [...]
Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay
Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon -- he'd run them all.
Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent
That statement is either so deep it would take a lifetime to fully comprehend every particle of its meaning, or it is a load of absolute tosh. Which is it, I wonder?
Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
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Everything starts somewhere, though many physicists disagree. But people have always been dimly aware of the problem with the start of things. They wonder how the snowplough driver gets to work, or how the makers of dictionaries look up the spelling of words.
Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Terry Pratchett, Jingo
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett, Jingo
Basically, there were two sides to the world. There was the entire computer games software industry engaged in a tremendous effort to stamp out piracy, and there was Wobbler. Currently, Wobbler was in front.
Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:\n
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than do 30 percent of the people in this world.
Robert Orben
"Luck is my middle name," said Rincewind, indistinctly. "Mind you, my first name is Bad."
Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times
Voodoo is a very interesting religion for the whole family, even those members of it who are dead.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 London orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contenders for exhibit A.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
"Students?" barked the Archchancellor.
"Yes, Master. You know? They're the thinner ones with the pale faces? Because we're a university? They come with the whole thing, like rats --"
Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
Nanny Ogg quite liked cooking, provided there were other people around to do things like chop up the vegetables and wash the dishes afterwards.
Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad
"Slave is an Ephebian word. In Om we have no word for slave," said Vorbis.
"So I understand," said the Tyrant. "I imagine that fish have no word for water."
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes.
Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
Basically, there were two sides to the world. There was the entire computer games software industry engaged in a tremendous effort to stamp out piracy, and there was Wobbler. Currently, Wobbler was in front.
Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind
"I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!" he hissed. " I'm afraid of grounds."
"You mean heights," said Conina. "And stop being silly."
"I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!"
Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
- I USHERED SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD. I WAS THE GRAVE OF ALL HOPE. I WAS THE ULTIMATE REALITY. I WAS THE ASSASSIN AGAINST WHOM NO LOCK WOULD HOLD.
- "Yes, point taken, but do you have any particular skills?"
[Death consults a job broker]
Terry Pratchett, Mort
Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living.
Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the dead
Wobbler thought that California was where good people went when they died.
Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind
A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it.
Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde
The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
Oscar Wilde
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde
What a pity that in life we only get our lessons when they are of no use to us.
Oscar Wilde
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
Oscar Wilde
It is a much cleverer thing to talk nonsense than to listen to it.
Oscar Wilde
My own business bores me to death. I prefer other people's.
Oscar Wilde
It is only the intellectually lost who ever argue.
Oscar Wilde
California is an Italy without its art.
Oscar Wilde
Cleverness becomes a public nuisance.
Oscar Wilde
The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by being always
absolutely over-educated.
Oscar Wilde
To have lost one parent is a misfortune. To have lost both looks like carelessness.
Oscar Wilde
The growing influence of women is the one reassuring thing in our political life.
Oscar Wilde
Industry is the root of all ugliness.
Oscar Wilde
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it
Oscar Wilde
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