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The ultimate breast cancer cure
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Are you fed up with the wide variety of treatments for breast cancer? Do
you wish there were just ONE chemotherapy regimen that you could count on
to do the job? Well, friends, here it is. Under this aggressive yet
effective protocol, 93 percent of women will be 97 percent cured of breast
cancer.
The Hunter Adjuvant Protocol for the Treatment of Breast Cancer
* Day 1 -- Take Adriamycin. Pray.
* Day 2 -- Take Valium, Oral Cytoxan, Morphine, Ifosamide, Tums (VOMIT).
Drink lots of fluids (Essiac tea spiced with Tibetan herbs is best).
Preparation H might be indicated.
* Day 3 -- Try Decadron, Oncovin, Clonidine patch (DOC). Ask your
oncologist about your prognosis. Then take as much Zofran as you can
afford. Use marijuana sparingly.
* Day 4 -- Try Vinblastine, Acupuncture, Investigational treatments,
Neupogen (VAIN). Time to get a wig. Think about being a light bulb on
Halloween. Quit smoking. Remember, eyebrows are not essential to your
well-being.
* Day 5 -- Try Thiotepa, Immunotherapy, Tamoxifen (TIT). Practice BSE if
you have any breasts left. If you don't gain enough weight today,
substitute megace for tamoxifen in future cycles. Eat lots of fiber.
* Day 6 -- Take 5-FU, Kytril (5-FU*K). Wash your mouth out with soap (make
sure it's liquid; bars collect bacteria). Don't eat fresh fruits or
vegetables while your counts are low.
* Day 7 -- Try Compazine, Oophorectomy, Navelbine (CON). Go to Tijuana for
Laetrile. Snort cockroach wing powder (must be purchased directly from E.
Kaplan, M.D., Skokie, Ill.). Remember, cockroaches never get cancer.
* Day 8 -- Take Taxol, Advil, Taxotere (TAT). You can substitute TIT for
TAT (see Day 5) if you get mouth sores. Plant some yew trees. Use lots of
fluoride.
* Day 9 -- Try Her-2-neu, Interleukin-2, Tylenol #3 (7-HIT). Do you feel
like punching your oncologist yet? Take Prozac instead. Eat lots of
broccoli.
* Day 10 -- Take Prednisone, Ibuprofen, Methotrexate with Leucovorin
"rescue," Prochlororperazine (PIMPL). Squash all thoughts of death. Read a
Bernie Siegel book. Wear a pink ribbon to raise awareness of breast
cancer.
* Day 11 -- Take Doxorubicin in high doses with Zinecard. Wear an ice cap
and suck on ice chips during infusion. Pray for a hot flash. Think of
colorful war images for cancer. Throw away your pink ribbon because "pink
is for sissies."
* Day 12 -- Try Shark cartilage, Betadine (IV), Ativan, Indwelling
catheter, Throat lozenges (SHARK-BAIT). Forget about your oncologist --
tell your spouse EXACTLY what you want of him/her. Remember, YOU are the
captain of your medical team. Have a good laugh.
* Days 13-17 -- Rest. Listen to Barry Manilow tapes. Smile a lot.
* Day 18 -- Begin cycle anew.
CONTINUE THE ABOVE FOR 7 1/2 MONTHS (8 MONTHS IN CANADA).
-- Anon.
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